The Dynamics of Birds & Bees: The Male Perspective

Disclaimer: This post gets a lil raunchy. I’m talking to the ladies, because guys already know everything I’m about to say. Surely, there’s a sister blog or post to this somewhere… with a rebuttal. 


Something must be in the air. If I had to count the number of people I’ve talked to about sex over this last week or so, I would not be lying if I told you that I needed to two hands to do it. Over these last few days, I’ve been schooled on sex, vented to about it, questioned about something someone did/didn’t do, asked for my opinion… the works. And ultimately, I’m floored at how incompatible men and women really can be.

To my ladies…I can’t speak for women, but men are simple. Men have total control over the amount of emotion that they associate with sex. When it comes to the act – guys either smash, screw [f@!k], or make love. The first equates with the lowest of emotion, the last equates with the highest of, and in between is an increasing scale of emotions [depending on the situation]. More importantly, when it comes to a man’s bedroom steez, he’s a progression of two things. First, he’s himself and then he is eventually what you’re P has made him into.

When I say himself, I mean that he can be a whole host of things. He can be the business, or he can be bullshit. Call him Dirk Digler or call him a disappointment. Maybe’s he selfless or maybe he’s selfish. Naturally, he is at least one of these adjectives in that first time y’all do the do. At that point, it’s either an epic pass or fail. Proceed or don’t. If you do, just know that you have TOTAL control from there on… because after that point, it’s all about the power of the P. Now please, do NOT confuse this with me blaming women for the bad performances that men put out – but once a woman’s got that power, his red light special from there is what YOU [sweetie] have made him into. This is where you have to ask yourself, “What kind of lover are you?” And from what I gathered, women break down into being one [or a combination] of the following:

PANDORA

If you’re the kind of girl who ain’t scared to admit she wants to get it in, will WHIP OUT a dude’s “man’s-n-dem” for him and take it from him as he gradually surrenders to your kiss and the P… the you’re a Pandora kinda chic. You consider guys to be yours before they even know it, or before you even let them hit it. The name “Pandora” is a direct reference from John Singleton’s hood classic Baby Boy, in which a chic [Pandora] does her damndest to bag Jody (Tyrese). Pandora set a hell of a mood; her walk was mean as Black-n-Mild smoke filled the air, with just the right track playing in the background. And dammit, she even put the condom on for him! Talk about initiation… every move she made epitomized the body language in which men give into. Dudes just can’t resist such things.

THE CONTENDER

If you play to win and think sex is a one-on-one exhibition that involves tangling each other up in ways to make the other tap out… then you’re a contender kinda chic. A straight up FuuuREAK that wants to put on a show. You consider guys to be opponents. Anything he can do, you can do better. You know how he likes to play music to get in the mood, but you take control because you got a better cuddy soundtrack to set shit off RIGHT. Without a doubt, you definitely like to ask “whose it is” and like to hear your name said. And vice versa; you’re a good sport, unashamed to scream his name and let him know that he’s putting it down. When it comes to initiation, you’re good at instigating the fight but you’re even better at backing it up… even if it means defending yourself and the P. You shoot a fair one though. Once you put the P out there, you definitely let him have a stab at it.

THE CO-PILOT

If you like to fly the plane too and not just sit in the cockpit and look pretty... then you’re a co-pilot kinda chic. And of course, you consider guys to be THE pilot. “You want me to take it from here?” you ask. You’re that chic that waits for that sudden change in his stroke to THINK about change positions, because you actually ARE open to changing positions (it just ain’t your priority though). You ain’t scared to get on top, but you won’t if you don’t have to. There’s an occasional imbalance in the physical exchange of the P… which poses a threat. BUT, the fact that you’re a quality chic tends to cancel it out.

MISS DAISY

If you just get in, take the backseat and go for the ride… then you’re Miss Daisy kinda chic. You consider guys to be the chauffeur. “Bang this left! And take this right!” you say. You’re that chic that likes to give directions, set the pace and decide whether to speed up or slow down. But you’re never actually behind wheel. HE has to do everything, from undressing you to opening your legs. When it comes to sex, he’s always on top... you ain’t. In your mind, you’re paying him to drive… so why should you?

THE PRUDE

If you’re idea of great sex is something you’ve seen in a movie, or heard from through the sexual exploits of others… then you’re a prude kinda chic. The stars and moons have to align and moods must be set for your hopelessly romantic ass to even THINK about getting horny. The P is fortified and comes with all these different particularities and formulas that may turn guys off. You don’t quite yet recognize your prime for what it is – that’s if it hasn’t come and gone by now. Ironically, you are probably comfortable around the most pushy and persistent of guys because of the constant gratification they provide. You tend to relieve yourself from initiating anything sexual, and your idea of doing such is by “striking a sexy pose”. Your potential doesn’t really show until you’re being pounced on… and being pounced on is VERY important.

THE SMUT

Self explanatory. It is what it is.
A statistic... another notch on the belt.

Again, my point is that each of these female types molds dudes differently in the sack. He may have been a freak when he first hit you off, but that can dwindle quick and fast if you don't provide the right arena to sustain it. The same goes the other way around -- he may have been a lame that got by on personality, but suddenly "slangin it" could be his thing now... thanks to YOU. On the upside, you have the top three types that secure guys who mostly value putting in work [sexually]. And believe me, guys will put in some work for good P. Good P is the cornerstone of lovemaking and good loving is a reciprocating process. Since guys are suckers for visuals, Pandora types yield submissive [and borderline lazy] dudes who think they’re living out they’re own porno scenes in the bedroom. With the same regard to men and visuals, co-pilot types get by on looks too – but they yield that dude who can get comfortable [quickly] in his swerve game while reserving the right to remind you that he does more in the sack than you. Guys are also competitive by nature, so the Contender type yields the beast who will [eventually] bang your back out every time; since he has to sweat, he’ll work your ass to a sweat too.

On the other hand, the bottom three types should thank their lucky stars for the guys who do give it to them right. There’s no fairness in one sided loving. The Miss Daisies, Prudes and Smuts of the world seem pretty damn sexually frustrated if you ask me. That’s what happens when “what you won’t do” outweighs “what you will do”. Everyday is NOT the 14^th… and when you find a guy who thinks so, you’d better marry him. Contrary to popular belief, guys – especially niggas – are a lot more willing to perform at their best when the challenge presents itself. Challenge doesn’t mean playing hard to get. That shit is for the birds. Ladies, please don’t get it twisted… conquering you is not as much of a priority to us guys as you THINK it is.

So madam, which of the six are you?