Love Ends, Life Begins (Blog Introduction)

And as for me, this part of my life... this part right here?
This part is called "The Pursuit."

So it’s been like six months since I’ve blogged, even more [than that] if you’re talking about meaningful blogging. Not to mention, I’ve been blogging on MySpace for the last two years. Yeah…umm… the whole MySpace thing? I’ve definitely outgrown it. That joint came and went like BlackPlanet. Since then, I’ve mostly resorted to my journal in thinking privately (or so I thought).

One could say that six months ain’t really that long of a time; if you revisit the past, and Barack had a DC address – then it isn’t really that long ago in my book. But for me, these last six months have seemed like the longest. And for these last six months, hell has had its fury on my life and the devil has thrown everything he has in his possession at me. Aside from my friends, everything else has just seemed to fall apart.

In mid-September, there was an incident in which I was in a car that spun several times across a highway amid dangerous and inclement weather here in Atlanta. While I [really] am convinced that I was supposed to die that night, I obviously didn’t. Nor did anyone else in the car or the car itself. I give God the glory every time I think about it though. In the same breath, I also realize that I have seen way too many Final Destination movies and feel [LOL] like the world’s had it out for me ever since. I’m not saying that I’ve had near-death experiences while crossing the street like the film, but from about that day and on – shit has literally been spinning out of control ever since. Everything I have grown to know and love has just… like… died… and crumbled. Bit by bit.

Anyone who knows me knows that the most important thing to me is my family. I thought everyone’s family was like mines, but over the years I’ve had to learn that everyone’s kin isn’t always the most close-knit. But this year something happened to mine. The paternal side grew apart, as the maternal side got punched in the gut – only to become even tighter than it already was. Grandma Lawrence (grandmother of six) who always lived closer became unexplainably distant from everyone who used to matter most. Meanwhile my “Bookie”, Grandma Carr (beloved grandmother of 19), died unexpectedly of a heart attack in October. As you would imagine, this hurt me and the family DEEP. Salt got thrown into that wound when my aunt, her little sister, suddenly died right after she did. Getting over the death of my grandmother has definitely been a process and times like these (a week before what would’ve been her 67^th birthday) reminds me of how that process is still ongoing. What hurts the most is having had lost her when she [in fact] was really the only elder between the two [grandmothers] who still put family on the same pedestal that I did.

And then there’s why I reference the term pursuit. Just like in my favorite film The Pursuit of Happyness, getting a job is of the HIGHEST importance in my life right now. Not having one has probably engraved another line in my forehead from moping all the time. Within the week before and after burying my grandmother, I had two interviews with the City of Dunwoody (one of ATL’s faux Beverly Hills type soccer mom suburbs) that I got pretty excited over. The first of the two being an interview to distinguish myself amongst the other dozens of applicants, and the second being my ultimate chance to land the job between myself and two other finalists. Now, obviously, if I got the job – I wouldn’t be writing this, right? Yeah, salt in the wounds. Death followed by disappointment. Nevertheless, I’ve continued to apply to EVERYTHING possible. Right around Thanksgiving, I was fortunately enough to secure another interview in Midtown ATL; three weeks ago, I interviewed for that. But I learned my lesson when it comes to hyping up a prospective job, so the month I was asked to give them in considering my application ain’t quite done yet. It’s still up for grabs as far as I’m concerned.

But, this most recent interview [as far as I’m REALLY concerned] will be my last interview in Atlanta PERIOD.

Remember that part in Happyness where (Will) Chris Gardner’s relationship with his wife suffered because of his inability to provide and be the “man” of the house? Yeah – that shit is FORREAL, dawg. While she’s much stronger than Thandie Newton, my girlfriend [after five years of dating and two years of a serious, committed relationship] and I have called it quits. Chris took the kid, I’m taking the dog. LOL… I reference the movie but I guess I should say that our situation is really not as congruent to the film as I initially make it out to be; unlike Thandie, mines took care of business effortlessly and never once made me feel bad about not being the breadwinner. And hell, she’s not leaving – I am. There are no bad guys in this. Our downfall was the cause of an ongoing, exasperated lack of communication and mismatch of [what I’ve been told is called] love-language. Her language – explicit, verbal and aggresive. Mines – implicit, suggestive and occasionally tangible, predominately through an action. Essentially, a show horse was dating a mule or [as it pertains to me] a jackass; both of the four-leggers will pull your chariot, but one’s clearly a bit more smiley about it. As it pertains to us, me not smiling as much as she did little to reflect how grateful I [in fact] was and have always been. For all I knew and cared, staying in Atlanta to be with her was a smile within itself.

But… clearly, that wasn’t the case and ultimately not enough for us to make it. Everything that happened over that last third of 2009 sent my mind into overdrive. I stressed more than ever. I missed home more than ever because that sense of family that I value so much never really existed here. My mind went elsewhere; the result, I overestimated the security of my relationship and subconsciously put “us” on the backburner. Consequently, we grew apart in ways that I’d never imagine we would. Neither of us was happy with the direction we were going, nor did we have any solutions other than breaking up. I’ve spent countless… and I do mean COUNTLESS hours alone lately and had much time to think about it all. In limited but valuable retrospect, ending it is and was definitely for the best. Lesson learned…

Still, we’ve vowed to remain friends and are doing well to remain civil and fond of each other. This could be because I’m 26 now… I ain’t that malicious, horny little 19 year old (and again at 23) that dumped one girl to be with another [God, did I learn the hard way…that NEVER works]. This could also be because she and I are still “roommates” until I get word from this job [that will decide if I leave ATL or not]. This could also be because I love her, am still kind of in love with what we were and refuse to make this an ugly breakup like the rest; because I as a person will always respect her and be thankful for all that she’s done for me. Honestly, the “friends” thing is even weird because I don’t wanna even picture her with someone else because I have yet to “undo” the mental “together-til-the-end” visuals in my mind. [To most] Still loving her would usually be enough to for us to keep to going. However, there’s a significant lack of trust that joined our list of problems toward our ending. I have never NOT trusted any girl in my life. Love or not… when you don’t trust your other half, there’s really no point in being with them at all. But at the same time, KARMA is a bitch and all that clowning/playing around in my past nipped me back in my ass years later. That’s how I’m eating this. I hate to say it… but every man needs this kind of curveball and unforeseen uncertainty in his life for him TO LEARN HOW to draft, set up shop and really appreciate the next keeper to come along. This is why I can comfortably say it’s best for she and I not to be with each other at this point.

From the bottom of my heart, I wish her the best and I hope she never forgets that.

But yeah – enough with the sappy stuff. I think I've set the stage. I conclude by bringing it back to this whole blog thing and its purpose. I really am going to get back into this. This platform for writing has always been good therapy for me and while 2009 will go down as the worst year of my life, it will also be the year that a faithfully and noted blogger like myself (yeah, y’all know liked how I used to do it) only blogged five times. For the last five years, there’s always been something relieving about blogging and [once again] I’ll let it be how I deal with being kicked in my face by the reality of this whole “starting over again” thing. All this comes after some very important chats with two very life-long female friends, both of which have known me for more than half my life and can easily have my back and tell me how wrong I am all at the same time. With them around, I feel like Terrell Owens… and they are like my... Mo and Kita, maybe? (Ok, maybe not – I won’t throw another show title into this). The verdict is, I have to fix myself first… I cannot make anyone else [especially a woman] happy until I’ve made myself happy.

So this part of my life… this part right here?

This part is called “The Pursuit”.